The Loop

I was in college when I decided to take the leap. Hands trembling, a knot in my stomach, I knew it was time. I dialed the phone number and asked if I could meet with a therapist. I had spent so much of my life living in fear: of messing up, losing people, making others upset, or fear that I was truly unlovable. This fear manifested itself in various ways, but the most obvious was my addiction to people-pleasing.

I felt valuable and loved when I made others happy, and I felt ashamed when they were unhappy. I felt unsafe when I perceived someone as upset (especially if they were upset with me). I was unable to separate the happiness of others from God’s Truth. Wasn’t it a good, God-honoring thing to make others happy? Wasn’t I disappointing God if others were upset with me? Was this a sin to “hurt” others? This habit of people-pleasing was so interwoven into my identity that I didn’t know who I was apart from it. I became so preoccupied with the connection between my worth and the thoughts/beliefs of others that it ruled my life. 

I became like a ball of yarn. What began as the core of me became tangled. The judgments from others, hurtful words, rejection, “failing,” embarrassment, unmet expectations, unfulfilled dreams, and mistakes all added a new belief about who I was and led to new questions about my level of worth. I lost my core. I knew I needed to start unraveling the tangle.

I had to re-learn everything I thought I knew about myself but, to do that, I had to re-learn everything I thought I knew about the character of Jesus. This may sound like an easy feat; like doing a U-Turn. But, I had to be willing to surrender my usual ways of thinking and behaving to embrace what was ahead for me fully. When you get down to it, this is scary! Isn’t that why most people avoid change even if they say they “love it”? I had to trust that God would care for me as I unraveled. And that’s what it truly felt like: unraveling. 

un·rav·el

/ˌənˈravəl/

verb

1. undo (twisted, knitted, or woven threads).
2. investigate and solve or explain (something complicated or puzzling).

This unraveling of myself, while not pretty at times, has allowed me to embrace who God has created me to be. I have embraced how I can be sensitive to the emotions of others while feeling empowered to not always take ownership for them. Being sensitive to the needs of others does not mean that I am called to always make them happy. Jesus certainly didn’t make everyone happy all the time. In fact, Jesus made a lot of people mad! The difference? Jesus knew the character of the Father, which meant He had full confidence in His value.

What about you? Do you know your value? What areas of your own life do you need to Unravel?

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